PHOTO: Fair use of band photo courtesy of Big Time Rush Official Website.

I have a secret, but don’t tell anyone: I actually couldn’t wait for Big Time Rush’s new album, Elevate, to come out Nov. 21. (Yes, I am a respectable, music loving 16-year-old girl who should not secretly obsess over Nickelodeon pop singers but, hey, haters gonna hate.)

Now here is something you can tell the whole world if you want: I hate the album just as much as dogs hate to take a bath, a toddler hates going to bed or a teenager hates having his or her cell phone taken away.

Remember how I said “haters gonna hate?” Well, I am saddened to report that I can now be labeled as “a hater.” For all you out there who have never seen their TV show or have never listened to a single song of theirs, you are not allowed to hate on Big Time Rush until you accomplish one of two following actions: watch the TV show or listen to one of their albums, BTR or Elevate.

I will make one exception, just this once, to save your ears from the constant “zzzzz” in the background of every single track on the new album, though; so your third option is to read the rest of this review and listen to exactly what I have to say (WARNING: Do NOT listen to the album to hear it for yourself, please trust in what I have to say about Elevate to save yourself from screaming in agony and having blood drip out your ears).

Not only does this album (which is more like a torture device that should not even be used on the worst criminals) provide a perfect replication of the first song in each and every proceeding track, but it gives the listener a steady stream of non-original lyrics that say the all-too-typical words of “I fell in love” or “she broke my heart” or “let’s party and have fun.”

I’d just like to take this time to tell you about this album using their own songs:
“Blow Your Speakers Out” – more like “Blow Your Ears Out”
“No Idea” – they have no idea what they are doing
“Superstar” – the exact opposite of what they are
“Music Sounds Better With U” – it should be “Music Sounds Better Without Us”
“All Over Again” – please never do anything like this album again

As a casual viewer of their TV show, Big Time Rush, I can tell you a little bit about the making of this second album. One episode was all about the behind-the-scenes look at Elevate and the four boys of the band, Kendall, James, Logan and Carlos. The boys talked about how they actually wrote more than half of the songs for this second album and did a great deal more work on this CD than their first one.

Boys, please do not work on your own album EVER again. Sing songs other writers give to you and you may just make it a little bit longer than your almost expired 15 minutes of fame.

Their first album, BTR (original, right?), was not exactly Grammy-worthy, but compared to this new album it at least had a few different tunes instead of the same melody for every song, and sounded more unique (bear in mind I do not mean to say it was actually unique, just more so than Elevate).

These Minnesota hockey players somehow made it to the big time, even singing the National Anthem for a NFL football game on Thanksgiving, but are now showing they are really nothing special through their new album.

If this album reaches the ears of our youth, so help us, we may lose this next generation to not only Justin Bieber, but also Big Time Rush. Oh the humanity!

By SHAI NIELSON